for me, this is heaven
by Pink Anon
Summary: He realizes he wants to see her emote. She realizes she's not quite ready to start feeling again. xalia, oneshot, mentions of aliagate


theta inspired this by talking to me about how she could never find any good x/alia fics and rather than look to find one i kinda had a plotbunny while listening to jimmy eat world's "for me this is heaven" and i'm not sure if i pulled it off but i like it so here is a thing.

* * *

**i. the first star i see may not be a star**

Alia's hair isn't actually hair; she's one of the newer Reploids, one that doesn't bother with attaching it to the synthetic skin. She has to take off her helmet around him while out on one of their missions. Alia looks at X and gives an embarrassed grin. "Sorry, need to check a wire. Don't stare."

Underneath her helmet is a silvery membrane, allowing her to connect straight to the communications unit on her head. The energy runs in light blue veins, soft light trailing down to the nape of her neck, where her synthetic flesh begins. X looks for only a moment before averting his eyes. She works quickly, chewing her bottom lip.

He supposes he should console her, but X realizes then that he's never seen his navigator express emotions before. And by the time she puts her helmet back on and clicks her tongue for his attention, he realizes that he'd like to see her emote again.

**ii. we can't do a thing but wait**

"I'd like to take you to dinner."

Alia looks up at X, hands folded neatly in her lap. "Reploids don't need to eat, X."

"I realize," X says, "but it is customary to discuss personal business over meals."

"We don't have any personal business."

"We _could_ have personal business."

She averts her eyes and he feels a cold pang in his stomach.

"We don't have to go," X says. "I was just offering. I mean, we're each others' lifelines when you're out on the field with me, and..." He trails off. She's still staring off into space, hands tightening, and X wonders just how much he doesn't know about her.

"...I want to think about it," she says finally.

X nods, smiling down at her. "All right. And don't think you need to force yourself, for my sake. I'm happy either way, Alia." He turns and leaves.

Alia swallows the urge to scream.

**iii. i'm careful but not sure how it goes**

She wants to say yes. She does. But whenever she traces her hands across the desk she remembers Gate and how he had asked her the same thing...

She knows how to say yes. She says it all the time. But when she sees X the next day, her throat gets caught in knots and she can only give a mission report in the same monotone she's been using forever.

X doesn't ask her again. Alia has to take the next step.

She tells herself she'll do it. Tomorrow. If she's finished with her work. If he doesn't smile at her again, she might not melt.

**iv. you can lose yourself in your courage**

"I'd like to have dinner with you."

Alia stands stiff as a board, speaking in the same tone in which she delivers her missions, and X can't help but find that adorable. He smiles and she slumps down a few inches, expression wavering, and the smile turns to a laugh. "Excellent!" he says. "Shall I pick you up tonight, then?"

She nods, staring intensely at his feet.

"I'll see you there," he says, patting her shoulder.

Somehow she doesn't fall apart.

**v. and the mindless comfort grows**

Alia has never kissed anyone.

Not even Gate had gotten that far, though in times past his face had hovered dangerously close to hers and she was afraid she'd faint if he got any closer.

She tries not to think of Gate when X kisses her, but she does anyway. She wonders if Gate's lips were as soft as X's, if his hands were as gentle, and if he would smile at her when he pulls away, like X does.

It scares her.

But X has a sort of sensory ecstasy about him. When he takes off his gloves and strokes her face, the surge of data rushing across her skin is almost enough to drown out that small voice inside of her that says she doesn't deserve his presence.

An identity forms again. She thinks of herself as a woman and not just a navigator. But it lasts for only a few moments, before her thoughts turn again to Gate and Wolfang and how beneath her white gloves are a pair of dirty hands that can't quite get clean.

It's easier to wipe herself away, pretend she never felt anything at all.

**vi. if i don't let myself be happy now then when**

"Can I kiss you?"

"Uh..."

"Okay."

"N-No!" Alia grabs his arm. "I mean yes."

She doesn't quite respond to his lips, seeming to shake against him before pulling away abruptly, changing the subject abruptly and likely about some sort of scientific topic they both like. X, being nervous as well, eagerly joins in and they pretend like nothing happened.

The first time he thinks it's cute.

The second time he thinks it's quirky.

The fifteenth time he thinks that maybe she doesn't want to be around him like that.

He stops asking to kiss her.

**vii. can you still feel the butterflies**

"Hey X?"

She catches him after a mission. He's exhausted and sparking from one shoulder. He looks at her and forces a smile.

Alia can't bring herself to feel anything but guilt.

"Hey," he says, voice hissing with a bit of static. "They got me pretty bad. I have to head to the medbay."

"I... I can go with you."

"No," X says. "You have work, don't you?"

"I mean, don't you want..."

"Alia."

"You asked me..."

"I didn't ask you anything."

"X, I..." She stops talking. He walks past her without another word.

She cries. It's been so long.

**viii. can you still hear the last good night**

She doesn't talk to him about anything anymore except assignments.

He doesn't smile at her like he used to.

She feels. Oh, how she feels. And she wishes for once that it'd stop.

"This is all my fault," they whisper in separate rooms.

(Because I pushed her into it.)

(Because I pushed him away.)

**ix. when the time we have now ends**

"Transfer papers?" Signas looks up at Alia.

She nods. "Our mission score is suffering because of it."

"I never thought it'd come from you two," Signas says, sighing. "I guess I'll have to find X a replacement, and you..." He taps his chin. "Have you considered administrative work?"

"I haven't, but I could."

"You'd excel."

"Thank you, sir."

**x. for me this is heaven**

They don't speak anymore.


End file.
